The holidays can be both magical and fraught with interpersonal tension. And, with the compounded impact of all things this year, these relationships may be even more strained. If you’re heading into the holidays expecting some tough conversations, here are some resources to help you through. Remember, all of these are only suggestions; relationships are unique and complex, and these best practices might not be best for you. I hope you’re taking care.
TAKE ACTION
• Consider how to build the capacity to hold a conversation this holiday season.
• Make your plan beforehand if you can, using the resources in the last section of the newsletter.
• Reflect: How has someone called you into a tough conversation recently? What did you learn from it? What did you appreciate about it?
Call in, not call out.
Often, confrontation isn’t as effective as a nuanced conversation about a tricky topic. Consider leading a generative conversation by leading with your feelings, using “I” statements, and being vulnerable about your own journey with the topic(s) at hand. Please note: if calling someone out is a more direct and straightforward way to start the conversation and feels more generative to you, please do so.
Start from a place of empowerment.
We all have the tools to dismantle oppression and reimagine spaces for all of us to thrive. You can start conversations with that mindset, which will enable your audience to see thsemlves as aprt of the solution, and not just the problem. You can say things like, “what can we do together?” “What tools do we have as a family?” “How can we show up best in our neighborhood?”
Don’t wait for something to react to.
Most of the work regarding dismantling white supremacy happens as a reaction to a single incident. But for this work to be sustainable, we – especially those with privilege – need to get comfortable with the discomfort of this work proactively, not just as a reaction. Bring it up directly, perhaps by naming how a recent interaction made you feel.
There is no such thing as the “best” time.
Many people are hesitant to get into tough conversations during the holidays, a time that can feel precious and “distanced” from the tension of everyday life. But there’s rarely a “best” time for difficult conversations. Consider instead: how can I host this conversation in the most generative way at this moment? How can I start this conversation now to create more space for it in the future?
Center whiteness, not Blackness (or other marginalized identities).
When discussing racism specifically, many try to defend or validate marginalized communities. But as you do, don’t forget to name the harm of whiteness and colonization, not just those harms. When we focus the conversation on harmful actions, it more directly yields to changing these actions, not just building empathetic ties.
For example, this can look like naming the ongoing oppression led by the Israeli state when discussing Palestine. Or, naming the ongoing oppression the U.S. places on the Indigenous communities here.
Remember, no community needs to be validated by another to “deserve” respect. We all deserve respect. We need to adjust our actions and recognize our shortcomings to provide it, and reckon with the harm being caused.
Get clear on your goal.
You might want to start this conversation for a variety of reasons. Perhaps you want to see more accountability, or, you simply want your family to know how their words and actions make you feel. Take a moment to honor what you’d like to see come out of this conversation, and you can even share that openly as the conversation progresses.
Set consequences.
Hold your loved ones accountable. Ensure that you’re no longer tolerating their statements. Note how their continued racism will affect your relationship, and be prepared to stand firm. Remember that accountability is a practice of love, and so is setting boundaries for you and yours.
Lead by example.
Demonstrate the actions you’ve taken to dismantle white supremacy in your own life. Use examples of what you’ve learned and unlearned in your own education. Be vulnerable about where you’re still growing – because we all have space to improve! And note how else you’re moving forward.
Invite them to join in.
If you feel resourced, you can use this time to invite this person to join in – perhaps by reading a book together, having further discussions, etc. If that’s not available to you at the moment, you can offer to check in with them later to see how they’re progressing. Consider sharing a TikTok video you saw recently, or recommending a topical video for your family to watch.
Resource yourself.
Tough conversations with loved ones are not easy. If you have the opportunity, make a self-care plan for before, during, and after. Beforehand, practice some deep breathing and grounding exercises. Remember to check in with your breath and body during the conversation. And, plan for some time to decompress afterward, whether that’s scheduling time to decompress with a friend or therapist, taking a long walk later, journaling, etc. It might also be helpful to write some talking points and goals beforehand to help you feel more comfortable.
*This piece was originally published on 11/23/21. It was updated by The ARD on 11/22/23.
Felecia Phillips Ollie DD (h.c.) is the inspiring leader and founder of The Equality Network LLC (TEN). With a background in coaching, travel, and a career in news, Felecia brings a unique perspective to promoting diversity and inclusion. Holding a Bachelor’s Degree in English/Communications, she is passionate about creating a more inclusive future. From graduating from Mississippi Valley State University to leading initiatives like the Washington State Department of Ecology’s Equal Employment Opportunity Program, Felecia is dedicated to making a positive impact. Join her journey on our blog as she shares insights and leads the charge for equity through The Equality Network.
