Tone policing is “a conversational tactic that dismisses the ideas being communicated when they are perceived to be delivered in an angry, frustrated, sad, fearful, or otherwise emotionally charged manner” (Dictionary). It can be used by anyone, but we often see people leveraging it against those they harmed.
Tone policing is one of many ways that dominant culture “polices” marginalized people. Either subconsciously (informed by one’s unconscious bias) or intentionally, some people use tone policing to deflect from their own inappropriate misconduct and put the person reacting to their inappropriate treatment “back in their place.” This doesn’t just to discredit what the person being tone policed is saying. It implies they are not worthy of time and attention until they play by the rules. Such rules are rooted in sexist and racist ideals of how marginalized people are “supposed to act” in society today.
For people of color, particularly Black people, these rules are referred to as “respectability politics.” Evelyn Brooks Higginbotham coined the term in her book Righteous Discontent, which outlined the Black women’s movement in the Black Baptist church (Harvard). It explains how Black people were told that if they could overcome the “wild savages” trope white people attributed to them, they might deserve equal rights (The Undefeated). This notion is invalid on many fronts: first, it operates off the false assumptions that white people used to reinforce ideas of slavery and discrimination. More on this in a previous newsletter. But it’s also a rule that always works in the oppressor’s favor.
TAKE ACTION
• If a person’s tone challenges you, use it as an opportunity for self-reflection. Consider: why does their language or tone provoke a reaction in me? Where is my emotional response to this coming from? What biases do I hold? What are the privilege and power dynamics at play here? Are my feelings valid or take precedence over that of the person’s statement/feelings?
• If you identify as a person of color, consider how tone policing might show up in your relationship with yourself. How can you reclaim space for your emotions today?
Racial tone policing is a form of microaggression that people of color often experience. Comments like “I just don’t understand why you’re so angry all the time” or “people would listen to you if you were a bit more polite” are common examples. Black people will be referred to as “aggressive,” which attempts to deflect from talking about the real issue, shifting the blame to the Black speaker as the source of the problem. Many people will say, “I don’t like your tone,” which is usually used forebodingly to mean, “You better not keep going, or else…”
“The underlying tone in many of these well-meaning messages is that, even in speaking about my experiences with racism, microaggressions, and discrimination, there is a right way and a wrong way to share. I am told that if I modify my message to be more palatable to the masses, my message will be better received. This demonstrates that people will dismiss your experiences unless it fits in the box of how they want to receive it.”
– Dr. Janice Gassam Asare, author and podcast host (Business Insider).
Tone policing can also be straight-up aggression, accompanied by violent action by the person in a position of relative power and privilege. Consider Amy Cooper, who called the police on Black birdwatcher Christian Cooper for “threatening” her when he clearly wasn’t. Or the story of Sandra Bland, where her tone was used to justify her arrest and eventual death because she was perceived as being hostile and non-compliant.
Racial tone policing is especially toxic in feminist spaces. Tone policing is often used against women by men, like when women call out toxic masculinity. Perhaps that’s why white women are often quick to apply the same harm against women of color when they challenge white supremacy within that same patriarchal system. Academic, writer, and lecturer Rachel Cargle explains this in her article on white supremacy in feminism:
“When women of color begin to cry out about their pain, frustration, and utter outrage with the system that is continuing to allow our men to be murdered, our babies to be disregarded, and our livelihood to be dismissed, we are often met with white women who tell us perhaps we should ‘say things a little nicer’ if we want to be respected and heard.”
Often, these external signals start to influence how people of color express themselves. This is a form of internalized racism, or a “personal conscious or subconscious acceptance of the racist view of dominant society” (TAARM). For me, this looks like being afraid to share my feelings because I don’t want to come off as aggressive or blaming myself for not being careful with my words after someone labels me as “angry.” This often leads to me diminishing my own voice to protect myself from the potential harm and pushback of others. There was a point in my life where I would have never started this newsletter.
The histories and narratives of people of color do not need to be packaged for white consumption to be valid. Stories of pain or heartbreak, overcoming adversity or joy, do not need to be packaged in a way that feels approachable or useful to anyone, regardless of race. Attention to racial issues is accelerated when violence against a Black person is denounced for the world to see, not only through published books and works of art, thoughtful critique of television shows, or calls for accountability sent following company protocol. So what is more important—the pain people experience or the unease dominant culture experiences when they’re forced to acknowledge it?
Tone policing strips people of their emotions. It upholds civility over accountability. And it prioritizes the comfort of the person who wields it as a weapon over the distress and injustice of others. Your discomfort is not another burden for marginalized people to carry, but rather something you must reckon with yourself. Regardless of what you do, get out of the way: liberation will not wait for approval.
KEY TAKEAWAYS
• Tone policing dismisses the message when perceived to be delivered in an “angry, frustrated, sad, fearful, or otherwise emotionally charged manner.”
• Tone policing is one of many ways that dominant culture “polices” marginalized people.
• The experiences of people of color do not need to be palatable for white people in order to be valid.
Felecia Phillips Ollie DD (h.c.) is the inspiring leader and founder of The Equality Network LLC (TEN). With a background in coaching, travel, and a career in news, Felecia brings a unique perspective to promoting diversity and inclusion. Holding a Bachelor’s Degree in English/Communications, she is passionate about creating a more inclusive future. From graduating from Mississippi Valley State University to leading initiatives like the Washington State Department of Ecology’s Equal Employment Opportunity Program, Felecia is dedicated to making a positive impact. Join her journey on our blog as she shares insights and leads the charge for equity through The Equality Network.
